Life takes a lot of trust. It takes a deep trust in who you are to get up in the morning; to challenge yourself to learn new things; to love and create intimate relationships with friends, family, and partners. The further away we get from trusting ourselves, the less likely we are to take risks, open up, love, and live a full, dynamic life.
I believe that we can build and cultivate our capacity for self-trust. It is not a character trait that some people are just born with, rather it is a skill that we learn and nurture. I have found that building self-trust is something that I am continually working on every day. Tara Brach poses the question: “Who would you be if you trusted the basic goodness and beauty that lives through you?”
Well, who would you be? How would you go through life differently if you trusted your inherent goodness and value as a being in this universe?
While meditating and thinking about the idea of self-trust, I considered ways that we can learn to trust ourselves more fully. If it is a skill, how do we build it?
For me, two of the fundamental pieces of building self-trust include 1) really getting to know ourselves and 2) finding ways to practice trusting ourselves. It is much more difficult to trust a stranger than it is a close friend or loved one. So we have to know ourselves - what makes us tick, how we are feeling deep down - in order to find self-trust. In addition, developing trust follows the same principles as building a new skill - it is not created overnight. Building self-trust takes practice and experimentation over time.
Here are some ideas of ways build self-trust by getting to know yourself and practicing trust:
- Trust the inherent goodness within you. We must believe in the inherent goodness that resides within us and within all beings. Truly believing this will help us develop more trust. Yes, we make mistakes and can take actions that do not reflect this inherent good. But if we understand that we have goodness within us, we can tap back into it. We can start to realize what actions pull us away from that goodness. Then, if trust is the goal, we have to move towards the embodiment and expression of the goodness that lies within us.
- Let go of judgements and expectations of self. Self-judgement or playing into the judgements of others is one sure way to pull you out of trust. Judgement leads to self-doubt, with leads us to distrust. The other side of judgment is expectations. The minute we start acting out of the desire for meeting others' exceptions, is the minute we are no longer being true to who we are right now. In order to trust, we have to step back from judgements and expectations. We have to observe who we are deep down from the perspective of a neutral witness. This neutrality will helps us really see ourselves for who we are, where we are at this exact moment in time. Self is an ever changing entity. Judgments and expectations just hold us back from realizing our true nature.
- Muster up compassion and self-love. Moving away from judgements and harsh expectations, we can increase trust by creating more compassion and love within and for ourselves. With compassion and love, we can allow ourselves to unfold. Without it, how will we have the courage to step out into the light, to show ourselves for who we really are? Self-love can be built by taking care of ourselves. Where there is love, there is trust.
- Create a daily practice that helps you understand your internal environment. Have you ever experienced those moments when you are going through life as usual and all of a sudden you burst into tears or anger pops out of no where? These volatile, "surprise" emotions are usually a symptom of not processing or acknowledging what is going on inside - either with your thoughts, emotions, or even in the physical body. And if we are not sure when these emotions are going to flood our life, we have trouble trusting ourselves to open up…."what if I suddenly start crying again like last time?" These unprocessed emotions steal away our self-trust. So we have to figure out a way to create a safe place to process our emotions. One key way to work through emotions is by having a regular practice of some sort - it could be journaling, meditation, mindfulness work, or a form of physical practice such as yoga. Personally, I have found that having a regular, morning journaling and meditation practice helps me sort out my feelings, frustrations, excitements so I know what is going on and how I am starting off my day. Knowing this, I am able to make intentional, informed decisions that will honor and respect what I have going on internally. When we understand our internal environment, we can begin to trust ourselves to make intentional decisions, to take purposeful action that honors who we are, and to open up when the time is right.
- Practice acting on your inner callings. Once you start to understand what is going on within you, to build self-trust we have to experiment with acting on our inner callings and yearnings that express the goodness within us (as opposed to the yearnings that take us away from our inherent goodness). This will look different for everyone. For some it will mean trying something new or taking on a challenge. For others it may mean slowing down and removing items from the to-do list. Some of us will have the inner desire to finally speak up for ourselves or take a stand for something important. And others may want to practice letting go of control and listening more to people around them. To begin, these actions don't have to be big or life-changing; we start small in order to build trust over time. How can you honor that voice within you? It may feel scary but if we don’t try now, we may never give ourselves the opportunity to step into trust.
- Learn from mistakes with compassion. And finally, as with any new thing we are experimenting with or skill we are building, self-inquiry and awareness is key to growth. When we fall back into a pattern of distrust, ask yourself what threw you off the path? Why did you doubt yourself? What was happening when you let fear shadow your trust? These questions and compassionate inquiries help us learn and grow.
What ways do you build self trust? Please share in the comments below so that we may increase our collective knowledge and continue to build more trust in our lives.